“If you need motivational words, don’t do it”
For those of you who don’t know who Elon Musk is, uummm…Google.
Most of you think this is one of my numerous military outbursts I’ve been having since …idk, whatever!! (hadn’t really thought that statement through thoroughly and now it’s too late or/and I’m too lazy to delete it)
No, it’s not Department of Defense propaganda.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present…(drum rolls please…) my squad.
I’m not talking about those people we call to ask for a cash grant after a long spell of no-speak-no-see. I’m talking of those people whose numbers we dial in the middle of a drunken stupor to explain just how much we love them. Those who tell their parents they’re sleeping over at your place while are like 300 miles away from your crib doing god-knows-what with whoever their crush that Friday is. (enters RogMo)
It’s not about the people who will prevent you from drinking yourself silly to the point of calling your ex. It’s about those who will buy you a million rounds, dial your ex’s number and put you on the phone with him/her just to screw your life up. Basically, squad to me, is the people, outside family, that I spend most of my time with…who mostly help in ruining my life just as much as I do theirs.
Squad doesn’t exactly mean closest friends btw but…it does, you know wha’am sayin’? No? Oh, Alright, I’ll just move with those already in this boat.
In increasing order of “why do I hang out with you?” , here we do goes the squad.
BHope is the one person in this squad that I almost entirely know why we hang out.
I swear, that’s her real name!
We all have that one friend who cares about us almost to the point of putting themselves in harm’s way. That one person who will buy the whole squad ice cream on her last 500 bob and help you in complaining about her spending habits. That one friend with the easiest parents ever but somehow manages not to have her life down the drain.
If you want to know how cool her parents are, they are Kikuyu, and she still watches Nickelodeon…even after Inooro TV was launched. If you are Kikuyu and your parents haven’t yet discovered Inooro TV, you don’t know what God is doing for your life, seriously!
See, Brenda is the friend who will tell you when you’re doing something wrong but won’t tell you, “I told you so” when life beats the pulp off your buttocks after you blatantly ignored her warnings. She’s the person who will take time off mourning her personal loss to address yours. I don’t approve of this kind of lifestyle but I don’t disapprove of it either. (yeah, for selfish reasons)
If you’ve ever gone out to drink and you get really messed up then one friend takes your phone and keeps it for you, then you have yourself a Brenda. She is the one who sings like her voice was carved off the strings of a violin. Brenda is a neat freak, at the very least. Once she pestered the whole group because our shoes were dusty and we were still walking. I know some of you are like, “yeah, si she’s right, how do you walk in dusty shoes?” Calm your tits people, let me tell you where I live first/let me first tell you where I live (one of them). Nanyuki. For those who don’t know Nanyuki, it’s the town on the side of the mountain that doesn’t get anything out of its proximity to Mt. Kenya apart from a beautiful view, which you’ll be lucky to see if the dust doesn’t block your sight.
Okay, it’s not that bad but you catch my drift. So you get my agitation when having dusty shoes is a problem to Brenda. Even our Governor has brown shoes that were once white…either that, or I’m drunk.
Brenda is the one person in the squad who normally has coins to drop off into beggars’ bowls and feels guilty when she doesn’t. she’s the one who takes the whole crew to get our weight and height measured every now and then. She has blonde moments and the most recent almost killed me but I survived. She is the friend who will not allow you to behave out of character but won’t be overbearing at it. Basically, Brenda is the core of this squad.
She’s the face of the group and probably the one we would have speak to the police on behalf of all of us, because, if being all that didn’t convince you enough, she also studies law. You’re probably wondering why we have measures in place for if we ever encounter the police but I will get to that soon enough.
Well, Timmo isn’t technically always around but he’s part of the squad nonetheless. This is the critical thinker of the group, and if we decide to grow our squad, he’ll be in charge of our expansion strategy. If you live in a small town like I do, you certainly know that one friend who knows everyone…at times you have to ask, “How the hell do you even know that one?”
Now Timmo’s sweet tongue is a bad thing at times. Only last month he fucked Brenda’s life up by convincing her to “invest” in public likes. He made quite a sum before the scheme collapsed on dear sweet Brenda. I had my “I told you so” moment and I’m not even sorry about it. That is not the only thing. Last year he hyped us to turn up for the end of year party then he went to Church “Kuanza Mwaka na God bana.”
Now the rest of us are here waiting for 2018 since clearly 2017 wasn’t our year. Timmo is the guy who says anything and you all laugh, then when someone asks what is funny and you try to recite, they look at you unfazed and you have to tetea yourself, “It’s how he said it that was funny,” (Reminds me of one skinny Gusii brother who is always in the business of cracking other people’s ribs just to confirm we also have ribs-since he can’t see them like he can his) Basically, Timmo’s jokes are Timmo’s jokes. Ikikupita niivyo (if it passes you, it’s that way)
Timmo is the guy who knows the best mutura places in town. (I seriously don’t know how to translate mutura, if you can, please leave it in the comments section) Timmo can make y’all light skin girls living in your studio apartments (pronounced bedsitter) drink ‘supu ya kichwa’ (soup for the head) from a champagne glass and say aaw afterwards. Eww ni wewe!!
From here folks, it only gets worse.
This was a late entrant but has managed to catch up pretty fast and is now deep into the squad. We all have that really close friend who at first felt like OH HELL NOO! Yeah, that’s Charlene for you.
Have any of y’all ninjas ever met a pretty girl and asked her name and she says “Sharlene…with a ‘C’” and you know you can’t bitch because your dumb black ass knows you had that spelling all messed up right from the moment she said Sh… And it doesn’t help if she’s clearly younger than you and has intimidating (pretty) eyes. So you swallow your bitter pill, allow life to just roll and swear by the libido of Khal Drogo that you will never be friends with her. No chance in Seven Hells. (if you don’t know Khal Drogo btw, shame on you!!)
So Charlene is that one person who doesn’t talk a lot, which is a good thing because I wouldn’t have it any other way. Few of you want to be drawn in a roasting crossfire with her, because someone’s self-esteem has to go down and it won’t be hers. She can get pretty (pun intended) annoying at times especially when she insists on holding on to a wrong perception of stuff. Charlene is like that last born you would actually consider going back in time and preventing your parents from having but the one you would kill someone for hurting. (if she won’t have done it herself)
You don’t speak carelessly in front of Charlene because she finds your weak spot and just hammers repeatedly at it. She finds an area of discomfort and nudges at it until you seriously want to tear her face off her skull. She still has yet to decide whether she likes to drink or not and I really hope she chooses wisely because we can only handle so much (you’ll know why in a short while)
She is careful to a fault and tries as much as she could to stay away from trouble, though not as much with me since she is almost always on my wrong side. Charlene can be a bully if given the muscle, and in the absence of Brenda. We all have that one friend who only needs one selfie to get the perfect picture while the rest of us try all 360 degrees but end up putting a cute cat as our profile picture…then they post the “best” one and you just have to break up with yourself.
Charlene is that one person who comes up with facts 101s that completely ruin your perception of life. The other day she was ranting about the number of penises we come into contact with when opening doors in a day. Just when I was trying my hand at chivalry. I guess there’ll be no more holding doors for you dear(sic) ladies…a-ah…OH HELL NAH!! I’m not touching no dick for no damn woman for a “thank you, aaww you’re so sweet!!” anymore. You can all go blame your frustrations on Charlene because even Brenda’s hugs and ice cream can’t fix this.
If you were going to get popcorn at some point within reading this, now would be a great time.
Have you ever asked yourself everyday of your life why you hang out with a particular friend…Like, ever!! Yeah, you get that popcorn first while I look for words to describe this one. I’ll go take a piss while you’re at it. (door knobs come in mind) On second thought, you just go, I’ll be here trying not to touch anything at all (Damn you Charlene!!)
Oh you’re back, huh?
Let me introduce to you Alexis. First and foremost, I share a birthday with this one, literally. We were born on the same day.(I know, I know…and it gets even worse)
There’s that friend who always puts the needs of everyone else before theirs, tries as much as possible to stay on the safe side, is kind to everyone, (including the ones who don’t deserve it) listens to sound advice, falls in love with normal people and studies a course that a parent would be proud of, has safe bets in life decisions, allows you to make your own choices and cares about more than just her nails. Well…that isn’t Alexis!!
Remember when I said I’d tell you why we have put in place measures in case we ever get in trouble with the cops? Now that’s Alexis. If you have a friend who will have lived life if the world ends today, then you know what I’m talking about. Alexis is the girl with fire in her voice, doesn’t live with rules and speaks her heart out all day. She parties hard, has the craziest crushes, attends all the lit events, (on behalf of the squad) she always knows someone who knows someone when it comes to events and I can’t remember any event she ever paid for. Nothing gets in her way of having fun and whatever tries to had better have written a will already. There is no hypocrisy in this one. She can get the entire squad into trouble any time but knows how to get us out of it. We have managed to convince the whole town that we are actual twins and that isn’t as blissful as it sounds.
Alexis happens to know all the goons in this town, so you bet being her twin brother is a full time job. If you have spent time with me you know just how much I hate it when people shorten my name to Lewi, which is exactly what Alexis’ goons know me by. If you live in a small town you understand short shorts are a taboo to wear even in bed at times…but Alexis hapana tambua hiyo. And not that her dad is game for it, no. We are in town walking and Alexis just jumps into some random alley…then we meet on the other end of the lane and she goes like, “that was my dad’s car”
I know you people wonder why we would allow her to jump in an alley alone and not follow her but remind me one of these days to tell you of a story of how her dad almost killed a friend (male) of ours when he found him at kina Alexis’ home during the Project X wave last year. Okay, don’t even remind me, I’ll just tell you here.
So this ninja had been nyemelearing Alexis for a while. Then when the Project X saga came out, Alexis’ dad put a ban on guys visiting Alexis and her sister IN the house. They could only meet outside and even then… so I don’t know this guy saw himself who… He decided love is stronger than a dad with two pretty daughters and a high perimeter walls with those serrated barbed wires at the top. And this is why I repeatedly tell young Africans, this is not the movies…Priss don’t try those romantic movie moves you see on TV.
So my guy is beating stories in someone’s living room. Si he knows Baba Alexis is at work (I have a feeling Alexis also liked him but she always denies the claims so we will just believe her) Small small, they hear a revving engine of her dad’s car. He tries circling round the house but forgets there is only one exit. Next thing he knows, he’s on the ground with hands on his throat. If you think your crush’s dad cannot kill you, wait till he finds you at his home and tells you he has a constitutional right to end your life because you’re trespassing, and you can’t hear whatever the hell moral lesson he is pointing at because you’re just trying to get some air through anywhere, your ears even.
So that’s why Alexis will have to walk those alleys alone for a very long time.
Alexis gives the most uncomfortable hugs when she really needs it, and the warmest hugs when you really need it. She almost always knows what is best for you but will wait for you to screw your life over then tell you later. She falls in love with all the wrong guys and has a crush on Wahiga Mwaura. Remember when I said she’s my twinnie, I’m the one who has to buy her chocolate and sit through sad cups of coffee whenever these guys mess up, so her relationships are as much a personal affair to me as they are to her.
Alexis would fight for her friends, and probably arrange for her enemies to be tortured because she has no in-betweens. She either really likes you or really hates you. She has the most alive laughter I know of and the coldest eyes when she is angry. Alexis is the one person who will invite you to her Church and fail to turn up anyway, and tell you point blank that she overslept, then make your parents believe you are going on a date with her and then fail to tell you what time to leave home. Then laugh at you the next day. (btw Alexis I have never forgiven you for this)
Her nails are always on point, partly because they own the best acrylics shop in town and mostly because she’s awesome like that…and if you’re looking to get married to a wife who will wash your clothes for you herself, you have one less person to worry about having to vet.
Remember when Dwayne Johnson is told he needed an elite team in Fate of The Furious? He says, “Oh I already have a team!” So do I.
Rate your friends on a scale of Brenda to Alexis and have fun while at it. If your personality doesn’t fit anywhere, then you’re probably me, but that is a story for another writer.
Remember, Sharing is…well sharing is just sharing!